Ponder

Sometimes
I just couldn't help myself
to stop myself thinking about things related to you know who
especially days with rains falling so heavily
and stucked in the long car queue
Maybe sentimental part of me
just happen to be dominant in my thoughts
probably, I guess.


Recently
she came to me through social network
asked me out for a movie
is kinda random
and there is contradiction in me
I don't know what came into my mind
I just bombarded her
with many craps
excuses and jokes
just to turn it down
till she turn out to become quiet in the conversation
I just realized how dumb for me
to respond in such a way
Trying to be normal?
Partly the reason I guess
Maybe I can't find a better way
to continue the conversation
under certain level of tension
I guess,
she was somehow disappointed and hurt maybe
and after realized what I did wrong
guess what I did?
ironically
I text-ed her "I am sorry."
and try to calm myself throughout the conversation
with my friend
Starting to question myself
as my friend throw me with questions that I should had thought of.


All I wanted to say is that
Its been almost 3 months
I did try my very best to let it go
and I really did 
because I don't feel the impact as much as I used to
stay away from your life
I don't try to be mean
but I just don't want to cause any misunderstanding
However,
frankly speaking
its been 3 years and as for that
partly of me might still holding on to grudge
partly of me might still upset a little
but this doesn't mean that i hated you
I guess I just need more time
to really, really
to free myself from it
and of course
give you some space to live you life
I will be fine, definitely.
I mean I will be great.
You got all the blessing
you can get from me, sincerely.

As long you are happy, I will pray for it to last.